[ She’s never wanted to hug him so much in her life. But she’s not sure he’s understood, not sure if he can when he’s still so hung up on the other thing. She’s not sure she can get it into his head when he’s still probably crying over there, so worked up he’s hitting send mid goddamn message. ]
drew that wasn’t your fault!! it was all my own!! you wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for me you know that please don’t fucking blame yourself for that
please
[ It hurts in some way she can’t quite describe, to hear him say all this, to hear him say he wishes she hadn’t been alone when it was all her own goddamned fault. When all that time she spent crying and cursing herself and getting drunk was because she knew, even then, that she’d brought this on herself. ]
and i wasn’t alone for all of it. i had people on the rig. it wasn’t the whole time
[ York, oblivious to the text message drama happening, gives a jaunty knock before strolling into North's apartment. Just like he used to do on the MoI, if there was no objection he was coming right in. North isn't in the living area, though, and he can hear -- oh shit.
He beelines for the bedroom and finds North curled up on his side, crying, staring at his device. ]
Hey, man, what's going on..?
[ There's no way for him to see the screen with how North is lying, but he comes and sits on the edge of the bed and holds his hand out expectantly. Show him what hurt you, buddy. ]
[ North immediately sits up, wipes his eyes, sets the device at his side. As if covering up for what York had just seen would do anything. He realizes after a second York wants the device and he hands it over, still sniffling and snuffling and covering up the tears with a hand.
He doesn't have the voice just yet to give an answer. The more he tries to clean up, cover it up, the worse it gets. ]
[ It only takes a couple of scrolls back for York to know he shouldn't be reading this. It's not his business... he's business-adjacent, he supposes, but. Yeah. He scrolls back down quickly and sends the following: ]
give him a minute, South. (it's York) (go get yourself some water too)
[ They just need a breather from the conversation, hopefully. He sets the device down and turns his attention back to North. ]
[ The alert for the new message makes her jump out of her skin and she checks it— and it’s not North. It’s York. Which… fuck, fuck fuck fuck. She doesn’t even quite get how they got here, how this conversation of all of them led to him being so messed up that York’s having to respond for him. ]
york???
what’s happening over there???
[ She should probably take that advice. Get water. Get something. Instead she just ends up pacing in tight circles. ]
[ There's a stage in crying where trying to talk causes one to heave with gasps and half-uttered sobs instead of coming out with anything intelligible. North's on the verge of being there, even after trying to soothe himself for a few moments. He reaches for York, puts an arm around him. That should help steady him. ]
South and I...fighting...
[ Tell the man something he doesn't know, now, North. ]
I know I'm focusing on... [ He hiccups. ] ...wrong thing...
Ugh.
[ He buries his eyes into York's shoulder and forces himself to stop shuddering with the effort of crying. What comes out next is broken up with him calming himself from crying, but is more coherent. ]
We started, fighting, about how she says I'm condescending. And then she mentioned, she's thirty-three, and I realized she's lived two years more than me. And I just got so, guilty, guilty about it.
[ It's okay, buddy. York rubs his back with one hand and lets him burrow as he speaks, shooting South back another quick text before setting the device back down on the mattress. ]
itll be ok just gonna calm him down
[ And now he's focusing on the twin in front of him, sorry South. ]
[ If anyone’s going to manage to do that it’s York, she knows that. But she types about ten variations of ‘should I come down there?’ anyway, deleting each one immediately. No. She shouldn’t. She’d just make this worse somehow. ]
okay
okay just
make sure he’s okay
i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to set him off like this
[ God, she wants to hit something so bad. She needs a damn punching bag in this apartment. Instead all she can do is pace, then throw herself onto her own bed and scream into a pillow. ]
It's her fault if it's anyone's. But I still...I still...
[ Talking through the tears is helping, but he's still giving some hiccups and gasps and half-sobs here and there. ]
I feel like I abandoned her? And she wants...something better than what we had before...some better relationship...but I don't even know if I, if I can.
[ He knows it's contradictory. He feels bad he hasn't been there for her, but being around her is making it difficult. ]
Honestly, I think if this is gonna work it's going to have to be a healthier relationship than before. But that's not all on you -- she's a healthier person here.
[ It's easier for him to focus on that than the abandonment feeling, which isn't terribly logical but he knows from years with Delta that someone telling you as much doesn't necessarily help. ]
[ His tone is softer than the words themselves, but he's not afraid to give a bit of a push here, either. If this is going to resolve he's going to have to go outside his comfort zones -- he knows what North is like. ]
I'm not saying you have to forgive her right away -- I haven't -- but I don't think she's quite the same person who did all that shit, either.
[ He pauses, thinking about it, giving York a tighter squeeze and working to even his breathing after the tears. ]
Yeah, okay. I guess I need to...work on my stuff, too.
[ She's accusing him of being condescending, and he's having trouble seeing it. He knows he's a little overbearing but not condescending, for heaven's sake. ]
Everybody has stuff to work on. Do you see what she means, though?
[ Admitting it's the first step. Their relationship was never perfect -- none are, but the Project was able to exploit things because of all the problems that were there. It found the cracks and jammed a crowbar in to break them apart. ]
[ North's torn. He's grateful for York's touch, for the softness in his eyes.
He doesn't feel the same about what York says.
North's got a huge problem with being passive-aggressive. That, he does and has admitted to in the past. He almost says something in that vein, and the expression in his eyes probably shows that he's fighting within himself about it. But instead he takes a deep breath. ]
[ Good on him for not getting passive aggressive, but come on, North. York presses his lips together thoughtfully, trying to figure out the gentlest way to put what he wants to say. ]
So, I get where it comes from. South was always the one getting into trouble, right? And you were always the one getting praised and rewarded. You wanted to help her along, but... there comes a point where you've gotta trust someone to make their own choices, and I think she's finally at that point where you don't have to treat her like a kid sister who doesn't know any better.
[ That wording at the end was exactly what North needed to hear. Because he does tend to think of her that way. But there also does seem to be something different about her now. He lets out a thoughtful hum. ]
Okay...okay. You're right. I guess I could be a little patronizing toward her.
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[ She’s never wanted to hug him so much in her life. But she’s not sure he’s understood, not sure if he can when he’s still so hung up on the other thing. She’s not sure she can get it into his head when he’s still probably crying over there, so worked up he’s hitting send mid goddamn message. ]
drew that wasn’t your fault!! it was all my own!! you wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for me you know that please don’t fucking blame yourself for that
please
[ It hurts in some way she can’t quite describe, to hear him say all this, to hear him say he wishes she hadn’t been alone when it was all her own goddamned fault. When all that time she spent crying and cursing herself and getting drunk was because she knew, even then, that she’d brought this on herself. ]
and i wasn’t alone for all of it. i had people on the rig. it wasn’t the whole time
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He beelines for the bedroom and finds North curled up on his side, crying, staring at his device. ]
Hey, man, what's going on..?
[ There's no way for him to see the screen with how North is lying, but he comes and sits on the edge of the bed and holds his hand out expectantly. Show him what hurt you, buddy. ]
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He doesn't have the voice just yet to give an answer. The more he tries to clean up, cover it up, the worse it gets. ]
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give him a minute, South.
(it's York)
(go get yourself some water too)
[ They just need a breather from the conversation, hopefully. He sets the device down and turns his attention back to North. ]
Talk to me.
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[ The alert for the new message makes her jump out of her skin and she checks it— and it’s not North. It’s York. Which… fuck, fuck fuck fuck. She doesn’t even quite get how they got here, how this conversation of all of them led to him being so messed up that York’s having to respond for him. ]
york???
what’s happening over there???
[ She should probably take that advice. Get water. Get something. Instead she just ends up pacing in tight circles. ]
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South and I...fighting...
[ Tell the man something he doesn't know, now, North. ]
I know I'm focusing on... [ He hiccups. ] ...wrong thing...
Ugh.
[ He buries his eyes into York's shoulder and forces himself to stop shuddering with the effort of crying. What comes out next is broken up with him calming himself from crying, but is more coherent. ]
We started, fighting, about how she says I'm condescending. And then she mentioned, she's thirty-three, and I realized she's lived two years more than me. And I just got so, guilty, guilty about it.
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itll be ok
just gonna calm him down
[ And now he's focusing on the twin in front of him, sorry South. ]
Guilty..? That isn't your fault.
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[ If anyone’s going to manage to do that it’s York, she knows that. But she types about ten variations of ‘should I come down there?’ anyway, deleting each one immediately. No. She shouldn’t. She’d just make this worse somehow. ]
okay
okay just
make sure he’s okay
i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to set him off like this
[ God, she wants to hit something so bad. She needs a damn punching bag in this apartment. Instead all she can do is pace, then throw herself onto her own bed and scream into a pillow. ]
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[ A couple ragged gasps. ]
It's her fault if it's anyone's. But I still...I still...
[ Talking through the tears is helping, but he's still giving some hiccups and gasps and half-sobs here and there. ]
I feel like I abandoned her? And she wants...something better than what we had before...some better relationship...but I don't even know if I, if I can.
[ He knows it's contradictory. He feels bad he hasn't been there for her, but being around her is making it difficult. ]
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[ It's easier for him to focus on that than the abandonment feeling, which isn't terribly logical but he knows from years with Delta that someone telling you as much doesn't necessarily help. ]
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She is?
[ He knows that's true, but it'll help to have York explain it again. ]
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[ He doesn't mean to sound overly harsh about North's twin, but. He also sure likes this improved version better. ]
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[ But he sounds lost, confused, speaking haltingly. ]
York, god, it was almost easier when we weren't speaking.
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[ His tone is softer than the words themselves, but he's not afraid to give a bit of a push here, either. If this is going to resolve he's going to have to go outside his comfort zones -- he knows what North is like. ]
I'm not saying you have to forgive her right away -- I haven't -- but I don't think she's quite the same person who did all that shit, either.
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Yeah, okay. I guess I need to...work on my stuff, too.
[ She's accusing him of being condescending, and he's having trouble seeing it. He knows he's a little overbearing but not condescending, for heaven's sake. ]
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[ Admitting it's the first step. Their relationship was never perfect -- none are, but the Project was able to exploit things because of all the problems that were there. It found the cracks and jammed a crowbar in to break them apart. ]
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Kind of. I mean, I wouldn't use the word she's using, but I can kind of see it.
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Only kind of?
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You think so, too.
[ It's sort of a question, sort of a revelation. York and him are...whatever they are, now...and York thinks he's condescending. ]
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Not much with me. But you definitely think that your way's best, and with South? I probably would've said patronizing but I know what she means.
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He doesn't feel the same about what York says.
North's got a huge problem with being passive-aggressive. That, he does and has admitted to in the past. He almost says something in that vein, and the expression in his eyes probably shows that he's fighting within himself about it. But instead he takes a deep breath. ]
I don't know how I'm supposed to treat her, then.
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So, I get where it comes from. South was always the one getting into trouble, right? And you were always the one getting praised and rewarded. You wanted to help her along, but... there comes a point where you've gotta trust someone to make their own choices, and I think she's finally at that point where you don't have to treat her like a kid sister who doesn't know any better.
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Okay...okay. You're right. I guess I could be a little patronizing toward her.
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Just keep talking to her. I think that'll help more than anything.
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[ He sits the rest of the way up. ]
Let me have my phone.
[ Once he has it he impulsively decides to voice call South. Maybe at this point doing it out loud would be better. ]
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